Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Jack Daniels and the Naked Girl

It can be a lot of fun to prank the ones we love. Personally, I’ve always wanted to saran wrap someone’scar with industrial grade plastic. Or cementing plastic flowers to their porch sounds to pretty cool too. But I don’t think I’d ever ever do this to someone.

Jack Daniels and the Naked Girl
funny dog stories, funny cat stories

At six a.m., a good hour and a half before I was supposed to get up, Nathan’s cat stepped on my bladder. (Why you should be surprised that Nathan has a cat.) I have an almost freakish ability to hold my pee all through the night, so needless to say, my bladder was pretty full. Trying to ignore the little fiend, I rolled a little. The move tipped Peaches off my abdomen. Two minutes later, the cat returned with a vengeance. She pounced on me, practically doing a tap dance as she ran up to my face and started meowing like a crazy person.
“Nathan, get your cat.”
No reply.
“Nathan, I think Peaches wants to go out.”
Giving in, I opened my eyes. Sunlight immediately rushed in. Great. It was going to be twice as hard to get back to sleep. Nathan was nowhere to be seen, and the cat was still meowing. “What the hell?”
The cold hardwood floors were a shock to my feet as I stood up from the side of the bed. A loud thud meant Peaches had followed me. But the cat took second place to my relieving a now screaming bladder. Wetting my pajamas had become a real possibility. I ran into the bathroom without pausing long enough to shut the door completely. Big mistake.
I was sitting there, taking care of business. And here comes Peaches, busting through the door like the police. Meow. Meow. Me-freaking-ow.
“What?” I screamed. “Go away!” To my absolute surprise, the cat left.
It was a brief respite. I didn’t even have my pants up when Peaches charged back in. This time, Nate’s dog was hot on her tail. J.D (short for Jack Daniels. Yes, the liquor) is a big dog. And he’s a Pitt, a breed with a really bad reputation. So even when you’re expecting it, his bark still scares the crap out of you.  
I yelled for Nathan again. He still didn’t answer.
It’s a small townhouse. If Nathan was home, there was no way he couldn’t hear me. Figuring that he’d run out for coffee and pastries or something, I decided to let the little grubbers out. At least outside, they would be out of my hair. But when I went to the door, J.D suddenly stopped barking and took off in the other direction. The cat followed him.
I looked at the clock. Might as well take a shower. I was wide awake anyway.
Hot water pounding on my back. Rich body wash soaking through my skin. The morning was getting better.
Then the barking started again.
I peeled back the shower curtain. J.D was going nuts. His toenails clicked noisily against the tiles as he spun in circles, barking nonstop. Peaches sat on the sink, staring at me with big, translucent blue eyes. She opened her mouth wide…and yowled. It felt like some weird scene from Pet Cemetery. Only, the animals were still alive.
I screamed in vain for Nathan. He didn’t answer.
Unable to take it anymore, I climbed out of the shower. Nathan hadn’t done the laundry, so there was only a tiny little hand towel in sight. But I took a few seconds to dry off so I didn’t ruin Nathan’s floors.
The dog and cat were still howling in perfect but awful sync.  
I darted through the living room and past its two huge windows as quickly as possible. I reached the front door, naked and at wits end.
I tried to hide behind the door as I opened it for J.D and Peaches, and sighed as the two finally dashed out into the fenced yard.
Nathan’s weirdo neighbor, Bill, was at the end of his driveway collecting yesterday’s newspaper. He waved. Cramming myself farther behind the door, I stuck an arm through the crack and waved back awkwardly. Through the glass pane, it was impossible to miss the red-faced grin on Bill’s face. He’d probably caught a glimpse of my boob.
Slamming the door, I got back into the shower as quickly as I could.
Thirty minutes later, next to a pot of fresh coffee, I found Nathan’s note. Had to leave early. Yada yada.  Love you.
The real kicker came later.
At lunchtime, I got the text from Nathan. No words, there was only a link. But that wasn’t unusual Nathan behavior.
I clicked the link. A video popped up. It was me. As in my entire morning from the moment Peaches jumped onto my stomach. Nathan had filmed the dog and cat barking and meowing in the bathroom. There was me screaming… a lot. The finale was me running butt naked through the living room.
Watching the video, I seriously reconsidered my waning attendance at the gym. There was way too much jiggle in the rear departments.
Then the camera flipped over. Nathan’s face appeared wearing the smile of a Cheshire cat. “Babe, you have a great ass.” His grin got even wider. “There are only a couple of things that’ll stop me from making this totally viral.” He winked. “See you tonight.”
I sent him a furious text in all caps, one with several explicatives and couple of impolite references to his mom. Then I ended it all with JERK.

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